Why is it that I come to HERE when I feel the need to express negative emotions? Most of my infrequent posts here have negativity up the ass. It's the same with most of my other blogs, too. I guess it's when I'm happy I don't feel the need to express it. It's like the adage, "Misery loves company," and my misery really loves to be expressed.

location: Space mood: contemplative music: Lonely Rolling Star from Katamari Damacy tags: facepalm worthy

I come off strong willed to most people I know.  I'm not.  I want to accept me to the extent that I selfishly give everything in hopes that someone will remember me.  That someone will look at me and not see me.  They'll look at me and see this person who deserves life, who deserves hope, who deserves so much more than this, this thing that can't even put words together to describe what she is.

And the worst part is, I know, I FUCKING KNOW, this previous paragraph is the insecurities I try to fucking hide to such an extent that sometimes I don't even know that they are there talking.  I FUCKING KNOW THEY ARE! 

Because, in all honesty, this isn't me.  I've never been me.  My whole life is centered around these insecurities I've instilled in myself.  Every fucking thing is a result of these insecurities.

But without them, without these fears and anxieties motivated by insecurities, I have nothing.  I don't even know who I am without these things even though I know they are distinctly NOT ME!

But I don't know what else to do, who else I can be, and that scares me.

tags: insecurities

Insecurities rule my life. I have been insecure in almost every relationship I've ever had. I'm insecure in almost everything I do. The only thing I ever remember not being insecure about is my writing, and half the time, not even that is true. I hate this. This ruins everything. Every time I think I've found something good, something pure, something unadulterated by these multitudes of insecurities, I ruin it.  They come crashing down on top of me in some unexpected way.

I hate it.

I fucking hate it.

God, I'm bawling.  I don't think I can keep myself composed.

It's just these insecurities have almost become a facet of my life.  A defense if you will, and I have no way of overcoming them.  I will always be an insecure wreck.  I will always be controlled by these emotional out pourings I have no control over.  These anxiety ridden insecurities that keep me locked up and in hiding.  I have no way of fixing this.  I have no way of fixing this. 

Oh, god.  I just wish these insecurities would end.

mood: pessimistic tags: insecurities

I've made decisions before.  Some ended well.  Others, not so much.  Few days ago, I made one of the worst decisions involving friends before.  I know this person annoyed me.  I know I wanted to scream to high heavens about how I wish he'd talk about anything other than what was frustrating him or how he missed his girlfriend.  He harped on and on about things I'd rather not have heard about even after I told him the fact.  A couple of his other friends, whom I'm friends with too, had, in fact, the same feelings.

However, the decision I made was wrong.  I should have brought it up with him, telling him everything I felt and ended the friendship that way.  I feel like a childish heathen for what I did.  I know I'm in no way what would be considered an adult, but this made me feel even more like a child.  There are so many things I could have done differently about it, and I didn't.

I guess my problem is with the way I handled my part in it.  It wasn't in anyway a good thing, and I should have done something differently.

mood: guilty music: L.G. FUAD - Motion City Soundtrack tags: friends, year blog

Because I fail epically and I can't delete them, I'm not going to do anything with the asylums I've created, and they are member and post blocked for now.

I am sick and tired of the guy friends I have online thinking I like them, like them.  Seriously people, if I liked you like that, I would come out and say it.  I'm not one to play hard to get.  If I think a relationship with you is plausible, and may work, I will come out with it. 

SO THIS IS TO YOU IDIOTS!

If I haven't said, "I like you as in a boyfriend way!"  I don't like you like that!

Thanks

mood: frustrated tags: internet friends, moron